I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
