I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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