So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
