Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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