My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
