dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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