I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Randomize
