I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
