dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
