please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
