I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
