I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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