two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
