the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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