Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
