tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
