Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
