you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
