I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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