Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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