I am puke
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
