I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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