Got a toothbrush?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
pray to the hookup gods
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
