you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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