I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I have already put on my inside pants.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
