they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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