I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
