It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
