So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
