Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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