I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Soap is not a condiment
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
