Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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