Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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