I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
