we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
