i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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