I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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