I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
