I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Your cock deserves a montage
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
