Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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