do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
