The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
