I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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