Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
