Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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