there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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