Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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