Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
