Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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