How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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