Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
