So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
