I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
